Chuck Norris facts have become increasingly popular and funny.  Below is a list of the funniest.  Enjoy.




  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  7. Chuck Norris does not go hunting, he goes killing.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  11. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  12. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  13. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  14. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  15. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
  16. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
  17. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  18. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  19. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  20. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  21. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  22. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  23. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  24. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Texas.
  25. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  26. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  27. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  28. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  29. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
  30. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
  31. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  32. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
  33. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  34. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  35. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  36. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
  37. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  38. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting beat up" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  39. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  40. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
  41. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  42. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  43. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 
  44. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls.  He walked.
  45. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; HE determines what time it is.
  46. If you happen to work at the same office as Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  47. Everybody loves Raymond, except Chuck Norris.
  48. As a child, Chuck Norris would trick-or-treat as Chuck Norris.
  49. Chuck Norris sleeps with a knife under her pillow.  Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because he is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  50. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  51. When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  52. Chuck Norris can watch 60 Minutes in 20 minutes.
  53. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.
  54. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double for crying scenes.
  55. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting...because he's not acting.
  56. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can email a roundhouse kick.
  57. Chuck Norris' show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
  58. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
  59. Chuck Norris eliminated the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  60. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  61. Chuck Norris doesn't own a home.  He just walks into random houses and people move.
  62. Chuck Norris lives in a round house.
  63. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy.  There were no survivors.
  64. When Arnold says, "I'll be back" in the first Terminator, it is implied that he is going to get Chuck Norris' help.
  65. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.  His heart isn't foolish enough to attack him.
  66. Chuck Norris can hit blackjack with just one card.
  67. People invented the automobile as a means to escape from Chuck Norris.  Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the automobile accident.
  68. When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor was the only person who cried.  Never slap Chuck Norris.
  69. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  70. Chuck Norris' body temperature is 98 degrees...Celsius.
  71. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  72. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but also a verb.